is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poor Me!
I�m having a good summer, as you well know! But it is haunted by some unhappiness that is both more and less predictable than you might expect. It isn�t that I�m moving away from San Francisco or that I�m moving to a place where I don�t know anyone, and it isn�t that this all costs a lot of money that I don�t really have (some but not all of which will be reimbursed, but still, I don�t have it right now), etc. It�s that I don�t have someone to date! That sounds like such a petty complaint, I know. But there is a real way in which, when a person is unloved, it makes her feel unlovable. Doesn�t matter what she says to herself to the contrary. There are some things that fine words and good ideas cannot do. We�ve all been there, I�m guessing. Long periods of singledom can wreak havoc with one�s well-being, even if you�re as happy alone as I tend to be.
Anyone who reads this diary knows that I am very well loved by my friends and family, and knows also that I know this and appreciate it every day. So it�s not that I�ve lost perspective on that. It�s just that when, over an extended period of time, an otherwise lovable person finds that no one is willing to love her in the you-must-go-on-a-date-with-me kind of way, it gets old. It makes her sad, depressed. In addition it seems like a waste of time. How long am I going to live? Do I really have to spend all this time not having anyone to make out with? Really? That just seems riDICulous, inhuman! Sometimes it makes me spend too much time revisiting past decisions and current choices and wondering whether I�ve done something wrong. (After all, I�m a GIRL.) Other times it just leaves me feeling entirely hopeless� even an against-all-odds optimist such as myself. This is made worse by the fact that I am sickened by my own depressions because I am all-too-aware of how fortunate I am in the grand scheme of things. I actually feel physically ill as I type this! As ridiculous as it might be that no one will kiss me, how much more ridiculous is it for me to sit around formulating sentences about how ridiculous it all is?! Out it spirals into a cascade of barely legible self-involved shitstorm.
(And now I�m kind of laughing because pathetic becomes comic at some point.)
Up and down!
OMG. Remember when I was all sad about getting dumped by Perrone, and I wrote so many words about it all, as if one could really figure out why such a thing happened? At precisely the moment that I began to feel sickened by myself in this regard, I got a whole bunch of emails from people I know and also from people I do not know who happen to read this diary, and many of them thanked me for taking the time to think it through �out loud� and talk about the heartache and everything. I liked that because it made me realize that many of us tend to edit our presentations of our lives such that we put our best foot forward or show our game face or whatever stupid metaphor describes what happens when you try to hide your weakness and sadness and humiliation from the world. It�s good to know when to protect yourself, of course. But I�m also convinced that it doesn�t do anyone any good if we all march around pretending to be left unaffected by the world and all the people in it. Because most of our happiness comes from being affected by the world and its people, no? And also most of our sadness. We are treading perilously close to a trite expression of something here. Must. Hold. Back.
My point: it is good to reveal your weaknesses, even if sometimes that just leaves you open for more sadness. It helps others to see that they aren�t the only ones whose good actions and fine desires are not always rewarded, and it helps you to stop being so tin-man-y. If no one can get in, no one can get in. You will remain intact, but who cares? Are you even living a human life?
So, can we find in here a few bright notes? For one: who cares about Perrone anymore?! I really don�t, and that feels very very good. Two: Man, I have a lot of ex-BFs who I still really really like as people. It�s not all dismal endings and unbeginnings. In addition: look, I�m sad. It will come and go. It will probably happen that way for you, too. Up and down! And that�s OK.
Most of this entry I wrote sometime in the middle of last night. I didn�t post it then because late-night diary entries are like phone calls to people you love or hate after a drink or two when you have �something to say!�: ill-advised. (Ha. Evany calls it �drunk dialing.� Never a good idea!) Now it�s the morning, I�ve been IMing with Evany, and I�m engaged in the eternal struggle where I want to make myself go to the gym, which makes it impossible to get out of bed. Hans Blix has begun to bite me because he is Very Angry about the Food Bowl Issue. Something will happen. Very soon.
11:00 a.m. - July 15, 2005
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
