is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.
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Whereforeartthou?
Tonight I realized that, though I never dated David while he was in Cracker, there is something about a Cracker show that reminds me of things a Camper Van Beethoven show would most likely never bring to me. In particular I am reminded of being in love with him. Which is strange, since it means I am reminded of this, when I am reminded of this, in public. Except that it is a strange kind of a public, since I�m always alone in a crowd. Since everyone I know has decided (without having expressly ever deliberated or made an actual decision) that Camper is the better band, no one (except, on occasion, Heidi) ever attends or watches a Cracker show with me. Case in point, tonight Liz and I watched the Camper show from up in the VIP balcony, then went backstage and buddied around and conversed with all the peeps we�ve known all these years. But then when Cracker went on stage I went out into the crowd and Liz stayed backstage talking to old friends. It�s not that either of us made a bad decision. It just is how it is.
To be reminded of an old love is not to want it back. If you press yourself on this, you�ll know I�m telling the truth. None of us ever shed all the remnants of any real love. It�s good�sometimes�to be reminded of what was good in something that failed or didn�t last. (The love itself doesn�t fail but tends to continue on in a different way, changed by time and other variables, rather than disappearing altogether.) In this particular case, I suppose these odd reminders are made possible by two things: my tendency to remain friends with people I�ve been in love with long after the romantic form of love has passed, and the fact that this particular love was/is a somewhat well-known musician. The tour comes to town and with it comes nostalgia. I�ve never had much use for nostalgia. I prefer the present moment.
During the show tonight, I got a number of very cute text messages from Cutest Boy Ever (CBE). That is the present moment.
Some of my favorite songs were played: Big Dipper (Cracker), All Her Favorite Fruit (CVB). And I�ll always love lines like �what the world needs now/ is a new Frank Sinatra/ so I can get you in bed.�
And then some of the songs just remind me of really good and/or funny times with David, most of which I keep to myself. But here�s a good one: one time he flew to San Francisco, right before the first Cracker album came out, rented a Cadillac with reclining seats, drove up to my house, and made me listen to �Low� really loud on the car stereo in the fully reclined seats. It was good. It still is.
Earlier tonight Liz, Heidi, and I were hanging out in my lovely house-sit drinking our favorite mid-range champagne, Moet & Chandon White Star (for which I once drove Jonathan Segel�s car all the way to Concord to purchase five bottles for Liz�s birthday). Heidi and Liz wanted all the details about my date. I gave them some but not all. Heidi then shared some details from a failed date of hers, wherein someone was heard to proclaim to her, in a panic, that he had to leave because he respected her too much. That sent us all into the kind of laughter that looks ugly and sheds tears but is utterly enjoyable. I suggested she advise him to respect her desire to have sex with him. (Respect mixed with patronizing excuses and underthought terrors is so SEXY!) Liz�s comment cannot be duplicated here. But then Liz said, �Oh, the men. We made them this way, and now we don�t like it.�
Not exactly true. But also not exactly untrue. Liz has a genius about her.
But of course it is as dangerous and misleading to generalize about men as it is about women. Strangely, just as I typed that, Dave Chappelle (on the lovely large television) said this: �Feelings are very important to women.� Then he launched into a deeply unfunny sketch about �how women are.�
A generalization often bears some resemblance to reality. But all these jokes about how men are and how women are would be much funnier, to me, if they would somehow admit that we, all of us, are men and women, at the same time.
2:42 a.m. - December 31, 2006
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