is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.
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Perils of the Unknown.
Perils of the Unknown.
I feel weird today. It's partly just weird-in-the-body, the systems aren't quite right. Eggers and I were talking about this at dinner last night, about how some days you find yourself getting bothered or having anxiety over things that usually have no effect at all. And then the brain wants to search for a cause, but the truth of it is just that your blood sugar is screwed up or your hormones are out of whack or you're coming down with a cold. Nothing more complex than that. It's bothersome but there's really not much to be done about it beyond waiting for it to pass.
So I've been ill and tired and hormonal and what-have-you, which should do enough to explain why everything just seems so DIFFICULT today. It has been an exhausting few weeks, even though I haven't done much and really haven't accomplished anything to speak of.
But there's also this: the future is more uncertain than usual. I have some job prospects for next year, and they are promising, but none of them are anywhere near settled, and despite all their promise I could very well end up with nothing. And that is just how life is going to be, most likely until some time in March or April. And that is just the way the academic job market works. It is unsettling, to be so unsettled. Not to know where I will be able to settle myself next year. Not to know whom I'll get to be near and whom I'll be far away from.
It's more unsettling this year than last because this year I'm already living a divided/unsettled life. I go back to Amherst on Monday. I can't tell how I feel, whether I'm excited to go back or sad to leave here. I guess it's both, but today the combination is manifesting itself in a kind of numb unwillingness to DO anything. (Though I did have a great brunch and walk with Halliday, who is always great to see and talk to, and then my sister stopped by, and tonight I might see another movie with Evany.) Anyway�. there are people in Amherst whom I will be very happy to see. And there are people here I am already sad to be leaving. And that is my life, and there is no knowing how things will change before next year. All I know is that the Amherst job ends in May. So that also contributes to my feeling, today, of life's DIFFICULTY.
Don't worry. I know that my life is a veritable treasure chest of good fortune compared to the majority of people living on this planet at this moment in time. I haven't lost all worldly or historical perspective.
Anyway. Enough of that. It has been a fairly good week. I finally got some work done, even if a fairly small amount. And then I became BOOKED with activities because a girl all of a sudden gets very popular when she's about to leave town. On Thursday Evany, Liz, Ivan, Jeff, Caroleen, JB and I saw The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. For the first hour or so I had resigned myself to being slightly bored but enjoying how lovely all things looked in the film. But the last 1/3 of the movie really picked up and made up for a bit of a jumpy start. In addition, the way in which the soundtrack was so heavily laden with early 1970s David Bowie music made me VERY happy, like, grinning-in-the-dark in the movie theater happy. Some of the songs were Bowie's original recordings, but many were acoustic renderings in Portuguese. I just ordered the soundtrack, which also includes Iggy Pop's Search and Destroy and a number of the funny extra-simple old-schoolish casio synthesizer tunes. That soundtrack and the colorsplash flash I ordered from my LOMO camera used up the final reserve of my holiday gift-money, and now it is back to Project: Live Within My Means.
That is much easier to do in Amherst, where there is not much to spend one's money on anyway. Although this project is always-already imperiled by the fact that currently I cannot afford to pay all the bills I get monthly, so there is a bit of a built-in failure to the project, but, well, obviously, that is the reason for the importance of the project, no?
It would help if I knew what kind of job I'll have next year, where it will be, and how much money it will pay. Wouldn't it? Then I would at least know whether I would soon be out of this abyss of financial shame. Oh. But I CAN'T KNOW THAT YET. (This is one of the many crazy circles I sometimes travel in my mind in the middle of the night during "insomnianxiety" nights. In fact, last week during some particularly treacherous hormone-poisoning nights, I spent the whole night working my way through one circle based on one problem imagined or real, only to get to the end of the spiral and remind myself: You can't make any decisions right now, Jill, because you are CRAZY! So I'd drop that thread, only to pick up the next one. And then. And then. Another reason for my recent trend toward daytime napping.)
Last night I had a fun dinner and conversation with Eggers about various work-related things, and then some non-work-related things, plus we had some yummy food. The flourless chocolate cake with ginger ice cream I had for dessert was AMAZING. Then I hung out with Marco, Evany and Stephen at her place for awhile. Three out of four of us used the world wide web to show each other photos of us with long hair. Then we all went up to Charlie's bar in Bernal Heights and met Sunny, Leisa, Amy, Caroleen and Jeff. It was a good night. The people I know here are EXCELLENT, and I am thankful for them all.
6:24 p.m. - January 15, 2005
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