is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.
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Roller Coasters, including dating, and my sister.
Roller Coasters, including dating, and my sister.
At Great America we went on five rollercoasters, in this order: 1) Some water ride that wasn�t very exciting but got us all a lot wetter than we thought it would. Total wet t-shirt contest. This was fine, because then we had to wait in line in the hot hot sun to ride 2) Invertigo. After which we recovered with soft-serve ice cream and then rode 3) The Grizzly. 4) Top Gun. 5) Vortex. 6) The Demon. In the future I would suggest this order of roller coaster riding: The Demon, The Grizzly, Vortex, Top Gun, Invertigo. Because (FUCK!) Invertigo is TERRIFYING.
If you want know what Invertigo is like, I�d say follow yesterday�s link and read how the coaster experts describe it. Because when I tried to describe what it was like to Marco, with Evany�s help, I found that I really could not. I think it is one of those experiences that you have to undergo in order to understand it (and then it isn�t really �understanding� that you achieve)�. like pain, or love, or impairment of your proprioceptive capabilities. Something not quantifiable in terms of intellect or reason. It might seem like I�m making Invertigo out to be something much grander than it is, but I�m not. It�s just a roller coaster. But it is a particularly terrifying one. (But. As you know if you are reader of this diary, I do know the difference between fake terror and real life-in-danger terror.)
Hey look! I�m going to try to describe it anyway! It is easy to underestimate how frightening it is to have your feet hanging out there all unsupported. When the ride begins and pulls you up the first tall tall incline, and suddenly you are suspended in air and can see straight down to the ground (past Evany�s very surprised face, which is suspended below you and is also now mouthing the words �I changed my mind; I don�t want to go on this ride�), you have a split second to steel yourself for what is only going to get worse. This leaves no time for laughing at Evany�s hilarious comment. You are whisked back down the incline and then up over the top of a loop so that your head is toward the track and your feet are trying to get traction on the sky. Then there are some corkscrews and pivots that I did not see because I did not open my eyes until we hit the top of the second incline. Then I opened my eyes, for a split second, and realized I was upside down, high above the ground, and still all I could see was Evany and then the vast space between me and the ground. And all I could think was that we had to do again what we just did, but in the opposite direction, before we were released from our terror. I screamed so loud that I thought I was going to split open, as if my body cavities could not possibly contain the volume of what had to be screamed in order to communicate the feeling produce by the ride.
It might sound like I�m saying you shouldn�t ride Invertigo. However, when we finally landed back on the loading dock, Liz and Sunny looked at me and said, �Um, should we go on this ride?� (because they had gotten themselves in a longer portion of the line and so got to watch Evany, Caroleen and I emerge), I said, �Um, yes. But it is FREAKY.� Then I walked unsteadily down the exit ramp and drank some Gatorade.
I used to be a big scaredy-cat about all the rides that take you high up in the air, because I have had some experiences of vertigo in my life at inopportune times. But then I decided to try to let it all go (or to master it. Funny how sometimes the two are similar). And now I love roller coasters. And even more: mountain tops.
The Grizzly is an old-style wood roller coaster, so it jerks you around a lot and sends you careening around curves and down steep inclines. It�s fun, but the seatbelt hurt me. Top Gun is also a feet-hanging-out roller coaster, and what distinguishes it is that it is VERY VERY FAST. That, and the flinging about and upside-downing make it scary. I was screaming so loud that it made Sunshine laugh. Vortex is a standing up roller coaster. It was pretty fun, but again I didn�t manage to keep my eyes open at all during its course. The Demon is old school double loop and triple corkscrew, with a huge plunge at the beginning. It�s pretty fun, but it banged my neck around a lot.
In other, very different, and more serious news, I am sad that Peter Jennings is dead. He is one of those people on the list of People On Whom Jill Has A Longstanding Crush But Other People Don�t Tend To Understand Why. Also on that list: Conan O�Brien. Ha. My friend Chris knows Conan and when I was last in LA with Chris and mentioned my crush, Chris was all, �you know, I used to see him in this bar in my neighborhood in NY all the time. We�ve been on his show a bunch of times. Also, he�s already married and his wife just had a baby!� My reply was, �WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HURT ME?!� combined with jumping on him and hitting him in the face on the couch in the green room of the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Then we laughed and I went back to reading Cloud Atlas.
But Peter Jennings. This may sound silly or funny, but I have actually missed him every night that he hasn�t been on the ABC Nightly News. Even when he was still the main nightly anchor and would go on vacation for awhile, it would make me sad. So here I was, patiently awaiting the triumphant return post-chemotherapy that he had promised to me. It�s not just that for some reason I find him very handsome, and his voice attractive, but also that he has consistently offered the most balanced reporting on the Middle East of any of the major network anchors. Plus he is so very human, and thoughtful, in his television demeanor. (I suspect that this is why I find him handsome, and not the other way around.) I am speaking of him as if he were not dead! I miss someone I never knew.
Also: Date #1 is OUT. I was supposed to go out with him tonight and he emailed me halfway through the day to see if we could switch nights. I had told him when we made this plan that I had only two nights free this week and he picked one of them. It�s not that changing plans is the end of the world. It�s that he can�t make a plan with me that sticks. He says likes me, I believe him, but his actions tend to be the actions of someone who doesn�t like me, and, well, actions matter. I�m not all that demanding, really. But I think I deserve to be something more than someone�s lowest priority? That�s the story.
Regarding being not all that demanding, one of the most romantic letters I ever received in was from an ex-boyfriend of mine whom my friends called Angry Irish Heidegger Boy. The letter was written after we broke up, and in it he wrote to me that he only then appreciated just how far he had to push me to exhaust my considerable patience. I considered the letter romantic because in it he revealed that he knew me better than I had known. And also, he wasn�t trying to talk me into getting back together with him.
Tonight I had a meal and a hilarious conversation with Evany and Marco, who have consistently provided me with lovely dates all summer. When I like being with people, I like being with them. Is it really that difficult? I know it isn�t always easy. But really.
I was talking to my sister on the phone last night about her engagement, to make sure that our mom knew everything that I knew, since I was about to go have dinner with our mom. So I was telling my sister about my upcoming date #1 (before it got cancelled) and also about another date that so far is not cancelled at all! (Of this we will not speak just yet. Do not ruin it with your preconceptions!) Anyway, I was voicing my concerns about the too-busy-to-plan aspect of Date #1�s life (thing is, when you�re busy, as all adults are, you HAVE TO PLAN things. When you like someone it�s not that you magically have time for her, it�s that you have to make time for her. Right?) and my sister was all, �Whoa. Watch out. If it�s that hard to get him into bed he might turn all emo on you once you do!� HAHAHAHAHA. My sister is very very funny, and also more direct than I am in some ways. (Over the bachelorette weekend, post-Jill�s-sister�s-engagement news, we all lovingly shared our favorite Deadpan Natalie stories. Like when Evany was telling some story that probably involved ladyparts, and Natalie was all, very deadpan, �that is WAY too much information.� Or when she walked up to Jeff at one of my parties and said, with a deadly earnestness, �You are SO HOT.� And he turned pale and almost imploded. Heehee. She is a comic genius.) Anyway, I am not certain that it is a universal truth that a guy who doesn�t just want to jump into bed with a girl is necessarily going to �get all emo� after the fact. My sister does have great powers of discernment in this area. But I�m not going to universalize her statement. There are a million stories, and as we get older, our bags get heavier. This I understand.
11:35 p.m. - August 09, 2005
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