is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.

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People can be disappointing. Food can be inspiring. But the opposite is always true, too.

People can be disappointing. Food can be inspiring. But the opposite is always true, too.

Today things that normally would make me annoyed for a short period of time and then be left in the dust like any non-recorded history are making me sad instead. For instance, I am having an east coast birthday party (and a west coast birthday party, but that�s later), and a bunch of my friends are coming from New York (that is the good part, not the sad part), and I asked about renting some extra rooms in the campus center for that weekend, in addition to the one free guest room I can get in my building, and I was told that the charge was $100 for friends and $50 for family. That bothers me. Not that I have to pay, but that it�s double for my friends. It bothers me not only because it is unfair, but because 98% of people will not consider it unfair. They�ll assume: of course family should get the discount! But think of it this way. I am 40 years old and unmarried. Unless I have lived a life not worth remarking on up to this point MY FRIENDS ARE MY FAMILY. This society is in a monogamous relationship with legal relationships, by which I mean relationships that can be codified by law as legitimate. So, if there�s no structure of law or kinship and therefore no legal documents tying me to my friends, they are not my family. And for that privilege they will pay double, and that is only the tip of the iceberg of the exclusions that can be made �on principle� according to the ways things are. It�s sad.

Saddening annoyance number two is truly trivial. Yesterday I went shopping in downtown Philly or, as Bill would say, ill-Delph. (The conductor on the SEPTA train didn�t even ask me for any money because I was reading a book on a train full of obscenely loud high school students. Man, teenagers are boisterous!) I went to a bunch of stores to see if I could find a pink dress (I did not, and that�s not what made me sad). In every store, no one helped me. Don�t get me wrong. I don�t like aggressive salespeople. But in every store, the sales people were helping other people and ignoring me, so the difference was fairly starkly declared. No one ever asked if I needed another size when I was in the changing room. No one offered to put my things in a room for me, even when at the Max Studio store I was carrying around 8 dresses to try on. It was really really strange! I could not account for it. I mean, I was wearing a nice outfit, the kind of outfit that probably says, �I just might buy a dress or two.� So of course, overthinker that I am, I tried to explain to myself this strange invisibility I had developed. And the only theory I could come up with is that I really do stand out as strange in Philly? But that doesn�t work because I was wearing an exceedingly normal outfit of black dress and cute little Audrey Hepburn kitten heels. So, even though it is true that on some level I only make sense in San Francisco, I�m not sure that�s why I�m invisible when shopping in Philadelphia.

I say that annoyance is trivial because I am aware of how much more invisibility gets meted out to other people in this society on a daily basis at a much more painful and detrimental level than anything I�ve ever experienced. I know. But it was strange, and this is my diary, so that�s saddening annoyance number two.

Number three? Today I went to a roundtable discussion on campus, filled with students, visiting scholars, and local professors, a really good turnout. It was about illegal immigration and U.S. politics, etc (speaking of more detrimental forms of invisibility). The speakers were interesting, and it�s certainly a timely topic. We�re on a fairly liberal college campus so people tended to agree about the issues. It was a good presentation and discussion except for this: At one point a student raised her hand and said something like, �my parents are immigrants from South America and they had to go through lots of legal processes and blah blah and they would ask why people who disregard those processes should get legal privileges without having followed the law� and etc. Even though it should be fairly clear to most anyone that things are much more complicated than that question could comprehend (laws and quota systems and trade agreements forcing conditions that create illegal immigration as simultaneously criminal and necessary, etc.), this student was treated with such hostility, it was as if she had suggested we just shoot all the wetbacks. This upset me for two reasons. One, she is a student, and two of the comments directed at her that were not civil came from professors. That simply is not right. Two, no matter who she is, she raises a concern that many people have and many people raise, and if you won�t take the time to engage her as a human being deserving your respect as an interlocutor, then you have basically declared to the world that you only care to speak with people who already agree with you. And that is not only an ethical problem, but a POLITICAL problem. You dare to speak about justice and wonder why this country�s democracy is so messed up and yet you have never even given thought to how to talk to someone who does not share your assumptions?! Oh, how angry you make me! I felt sick and angry and sad all at once, for like two hours. I wanted to raise my hand and say something like what I just typed, but in more diplomatic terms, but the question session was drawn to an end in favor of wine and cheese, so I said hi to some people went home.

But you know what�s good?! Michael Recchiuti�s box of Oeuf de Paques! My sister bought me some and they arrived today, and they are DELICIOUS. It is amazing how happy a scandalously tasty dark chocolate egg filled with dark chocolate force noir can make me. Also, last night, after I discovered that I was invisible, I missed my train and was starving, so I decided to find a restaurant. I did find one, after walking around for awhile, and I had a glass of Bordeaux Blanc and a plate of Cajun-rubbed (literally) Yellow Fin Tuna steak with mozzeralla and grilled onions and peppers all over it, amazingly tasty mashed potatoes and spinach. It was perfect.

1:20 a.m. - April 14, 2006

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