is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.

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Making Judgments.

Hey. Did any of you buy me a Kitchenaid food processor for my birthday, and then not include a note with it? Today I received it. And it is lovely. It matches my mixer and blender, with its lovely cobalt hue. And I will happily cook many yummy things using its chopping and slicing maneuvers. So tell me, was it you?

In other news, people at QB really like me. Today I had a series of encounters with colleagues and co-workers, as I walked the scenic walk from home to office to student center and book store and mail center, full of people who were so happy to see me and full of well wishes and wishing I weren't leaving. It was nice to realize that most of what I've earned while I'm here is a lot of good will.

Anyway, the whole "sex in the city" thing will, in the end, just become one of those funny anecdotes I get to tell sometimes. Like this one: As you remember, I had a number of job interviews at last December's APA convention. During one of those interviews I was pressed to talk in detail about my "teaching style." I thought I was doing a good job at that, but they kept asking for more. In particular an older woman professor of feminist philosophy really wanted to know. Anyway, at some point I mentioned that I did know the difference between being a teacher and a mom.

To me that seemed an uncontroversial thing to say; all academic women have to deal with it as an issue. Students sometimes expect their female professors to be mom-ish or, without thinking, look to female professors for kinds of support they wouldn't dream of wanting from male professors.

And, of course, all professors, male and female, have to negotiate what kind of relationships they have with their students. It's part of the ethics of teaching.

Still. I didn't think I was saying anything controversial in an interview room peopled by me, one female professor, and three male professors.

But I didn't get campus interview. Since I had thought I did well in the interview, and also because one of the main interviewers had written a great book on ethics that I had read and that he and I had discussed, I asked whether he had any feedback for me. Why not? He wrote and said that he thought I didn't belong at a small liberal arts college because I'm not interested in nurturing students! What? He said that, knowing full well that I'd spent the last three years at Amherst and Haverford--well known liberal arts colleges--where I'd earned only great teaching recommendations and colleague reviews. But what really shocked me is that he apparently couldn't see how sexist his comment was.

I mean, to be the most fair to all involved, I'm sure the truth is that they all sensed that I wasn't a good fit for their department and then, when trying to justify that gut feeling, chose the moment when I said I knew the difference between being a teacher and a mom. But man! Someone writes a great book on ethics and is generally a smart and kind guy, but is also the guy who could write to me as "feedback" that I don't belong at a liberal arts college because I'm not a nurturer! Harumph!

One could take it as a commentary, I suppose, on the many sicknesses that rage in academia and in the larger world it does and does not reflect, but mostly it's not a big deal: clearly there wasn't a good fit between me and that department. We'll all be just fine.

My point: "Jill's off to have sex in the city," in the long run, becomes an anecdote about strange judgments that have, on occasion, been made about me. And that's all it is.

Mostly, here at QB, I am well-liked, and lots of people will even miss me, as I will them.

It's always unsettling to be reminded that not everyone likes you. But no one worth knowing could be liked by everyone. That's just how it is.

I just made a nectarine-blueberry-raspberry upside-down cake, and it is tasty. That's just how it is.

9:51 p.m. - May 24, 2007

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