is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.
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Spinning it Up or Down.
Ever have one of those weeks when you just feel like crap, unmotivated, end-of-worldy, even though nothing newly bad has happened? That is my week, currently. Low, don't want to do any of the things I have to do, not seeing any point in anything, dragging my feet to the site of any kind of work.
The week started better. Gus and I were in Vermont at my Aunt and Uncle's cabin, near the Quebec border. We spent some days with them and then they left us there on our own. It's in a beautiful spot--the cabin is right on the lake, as in it is built right over the water, so you hear the waves all night. The porch views are awesome. Lots of birds, beautiful sunsets and nighttime moonscapes on water. Gus and I spent a lot of time discussing the lives of birds, including lots of different duck-couples with their babies. We went canoeing and performed some inadvertent slapstick when we capsized then tried to get back in the canoe. Gus got in OK because I held the far-side of the canoe for him so he could get in at an angle. But then I couldn't get in because he was already boat and thus the boat had to stay upright. Plus I was wearing wet clothes and a huge lifevest. So I swam to some rocks that, turns out, were covered with moss. Gus tried to maneuver the canoe to that area (he's a pretty good canoe maneuverer, I must say), but the currents were against him, and then I had to try to grab the canoe and step in while sliding all over the mossy rocks. It worked, but it took some time and in the meantime it was all very funny. And refreshing, being a northern lake and all.
When you are in a canoe, do not attempt to have a splash fight with the paddles. However, no canoe ride is complete without a surprise swim, I think. I sacrificed some cute flip-flops and a pair of $12 sunglasses purchased the day before to Lake Memphremagog, and that was OK.
We also drove to a town in Quebec called Magog and had a yummy lunch and then found the best soft serve ice cream I have ever had.
On Sunday I leave New York until late August. I've got a subletter coming in on Monday, so I've gots to get out of her way. She's a friend of a friend who is looking for her own place to live in NYC, so the timing of it all works well for both of us. I'll be in Philly for just over a week and then in San Francisco.
In the meantime I have to figure out what books, clothes, etc., I need to have with me for the long absence, prepare for my subletter, file a huge form called the "Form C" at my college (this is to qualify for "reappointment" to the tenure-track position I'm in, so I have to describe every single relevant thing I did in the last year to deserve to be paid a mediocre salary at a fairly good job--everyone's favorite kind of writing!), and finish up some freelance work.
I'm looking forward to being in San Francisco. Gus will join me for part of the time but the other part of the time I will miss him! I think I have never met someone whom I miss so much when I'm away as this Gus. But I am really ready to spend some time with my friends and my family. It has been too long.
San Francisco will be good! I'll stay with Caroleen, go to Yosemite, and then I'm housesitting for Mythbusters-Adam and Julia, and thus I'll have a big loving dog for ten days. Of course, while I'm in San Francisco I won't get any closer to finding more permanent part-time freelancing stuff in New York, and that is what I really need to get by for the next year while I catch up on paying down debt and wait to get a raise of some sort. The money worries never end. That's bummer #1.
Plus the summer is 2/3 over and I've done very little of my own work. Not that I'm a slacker. I've done plenty of other kinds of work: freelance money-making, and administrative stuff, organizing things for next year and fulfilling job duties. But I haven't written the 2-3 essays that need to be done by the end of August, nor have I done advance reading for the fall, or figured out the parameters of the book project that I want to jump right into in September, to make the best use of my fellowship time. Bummer #2.
And I still live a couple of cities away from Gus. Those three things (the money, the work, the distance) are always in the background waiting to make me sad and unmotivated. It's a mystery why some days they stay in the background and others they do not. Luckily I tend to be a bright-side kind of person most of the time--not sure why... is it the luck of brain chemistry or is it a way of thinking? Who knows. But then there are the down days. And right now I'm in the midst of a few of those.
And that bums me out. That's right, being down bums me out, a terribly vicious circle. Because if I were more motivated I could finish or make headway on all the necessary chores and then have time for the other things I want to have time to do: make some new jewelry, start or finish some art and sewing projects. (I also want to get together with some New York friends, but it is SO FREAKING HARD to get anyone to commit to anything sometimes.) But it seems, anyway, that I won't get time for any of those things between now and Sunday. And then I'll be leaving all the materials here, to take off for parts farther away.
I suppose I should spin that to the bright side: I have a life where I can leave my residence for a month at a time and bring lots of my work with me. That is a tremendous pro-side to all the cons of academia. So let's leave it there. Now I'm off to take a shower and make my way to 57th and 10th on one of the hottest days of the summer. Perhaps it's the perfect day to buy one of those overpriced cold chocolate drinks at the Godiva at Columbus Circle....
PS--After I posted this entry, and was of course procrastinating a bit, I hit the "random entry" link on my diary, and it led me here. A funny synchronicity (with apologies to Sting, Carl Jung, and to you--for using that word at all). It's all still true, too.
10:42 a.m. - July 18, 2008
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