is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.

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It's All About Me.

I wrote these for another venue, but I like them, so I'm posting them here, because there isn't total overlap between the two venues. And so: 25 Random Things About Me.

1. After getting my BA in Classical Languages, and applying and getting accepted to Cambridge, I had some sort of epiphany about what it would be like to spend the rest of my life reading dead languages in Classics departments. And so I changed my mind and swore I�d never go to graduate school. NEVER.

2. Six years later, I went to graduate school. But I chose to get a PhD in Rhetoric, perhaps the only field I could have chosen that fewer people would understand than Classical Languages, as a choice. It has meant a lifetime of explaining to people what I do and why I�m not unqualified for the job they�re trying to fill.

3. In the meantime, during those six years, I did archaeology in Greece and Israel, dated a rockstar and sometimes tagged along on parts of tours, worked for various music magazines in the SF Bay Area, and then ended up in an administrative job at the Natural Resources Defense Council for a few years. I worked with a physicist and a lawyer who really changed my life in good ways.

4. Still, I was a secretary. Not so exciting. So I started a literary/philosophical/ political/arts magazine called h2so4. It was thrice nominated for Alternative Press Awards. I published it for 12 years or so� it has never officially ended but blogging has destroyed zines both in terms of audience and in terms of economics: most small press distribution networks have gone under and the small publishers coop to which I belonged has disappeared as well. I think this is unfortunate, because I�m still attached to idea and the reality of the printed word. That moment in the 90s, when zines happened, and lots of them did artistic experiments with what bound paper could be�that was pretty cool.

5. I love to read Nancy Drew novels when I�m stressed out or ill.

6. I�ve never loved horror films. Not even as a teenager. In fact I wish I had never seen any of them. They harmed my psyche. They are terrible and unredeemable in my eyes. This applies also to any film that is pointlessly violent, like Beverly Hills Cop, or most things by Quentin Tarantino.

7. It bothers me when people object to something like what I just said in #6 as if it meant that I thought no one should like horror films or Quentin Tarantino. Listen, if I say that internet dating doesn�t work for me, it doesn�t mean that I think you�re a loser if you met your husband that way, OK?

8. The world would be a better, more truly pluralistic place, if more people stopped to think about #7. As Al Lingis might say, values come less from what we have in common than from acceptance of the utter difference between ourselves and others. The world would also be a better place if men never told random women on the street to smile. Listen, man: the women of the world are not your oyster. Think about it.

9. The book Otherwise Than Being or Beyond Essence by Emmanuel Levinas changed my life in ways bordering on religious experience. But that�s only because most secular thought has an impoverished view of what counts as secular inspiration. Levinas� ethics are resolutely secular. It�s more like a paradigm shift than a religious conversion. That�s why my second-favorite book is Thus Spoke Zarathustra.

10. My parents had me at a young age, so in some ways we all grew up together. My dad and his brothers and friends are all musicians, so there was always a lot of music in the house. Rock music. Loud rock music. And parties and yelling. So, unlike most people currently in their 40s, when I hear Led Zeppelin or the Rolling Stones, or even the Sex Pistols, I think of my parents and my childhood, because that was the soundtrack.

11. Because of #10, I�m very aware that I�m not a good musician. I could practice all the time and manage to be a competent musician. I�ve played piano, guitar, and mandolin. And I sang a lot when I was younger. But I will never be truly musically talented. It�s OK. Gus thinks that I should have been a sound artist, because I am very attuned to sounds. I hear things you don�t hear. I swear it. I�ll point these things out to you, and then you will hear the sounds. But you might not thank me for opening your ears. This is a loud, loud world we live in.

12. About the yelling. I come from a long line of hotheads. Screaming people, throwers of plates, punchers of doors, kickers of chairs. It is an inheritance with which I struggle on a fairly constant basis. Violent anger tends to strike me as funny in its tragic pointlessness now. I have made a lot of progress. Anyone who has known me for more than ten years will tell you that. But sometimes, when people have known you for that long, they forget to notice that you�ve changed, too.

13. I used to think that any problem I had could be solved by finding a way to move back to San Francisco. I miss my friends and family. But now I have a real life here, with Gus, and a good job. And I doubt that all my problems ever could have been solved by my geographic location. Still, I think I will never stop missing the people, but also the quality of light, and the quality (and the light) of the people, of the SF Bay Area. But I�m an academic philosopher who got a tenure-track job in New York City. Not exactly allowed to complain, right?

14. My friend Liz was in town recently and after she left Gus said, �wow, that was a lot of fun.� And I said, �yeah. That is one reason why I miss San Francisco so much. All of my friends there have a circus-like aspect to them, in all the best ways.� And I mean it. They are wild, and inventive, and up for new things. They�re a living laugh in the face of the world�s bogus expectations about what it looks like to be roughly 40. They age well, managing to avoid the twin pitfalls of neglecting to grow up and becoming sadly old.

15. I am a firm believer in productive procrastination. I make jewelry, and cakes, and candy, and clothing, and I�ve started learning how to transfer my own patterns on to fabrics. These crafts are also good ways to pull a self out of a rut. Use more than one part of your brain, or use the same part in different ways. Everyone wins. And then you might even make some pocket change selling your wares on etsy.com.

16. I love shoes. Especially shoes made by John Fluevog. I have the Fluevog knee-high Cece boot in six different colors. No, it is not excessive. Especially if you live in a land where it snows. Or San Francisco.

17. I also love high heels. But only if they are comfortable. Fornarina and Fluevog tend to produce shoes in that twin category.

18. I really love dresses. And skirts. This seemed like a problem when I first got to the east coast, especially since my first east coast home was Amherst, MA during a winter worse than usual. Man that sucked. In fact I still can�t quite believe that people consent to live like that. But I quickly discovered that knee-high boots and over-the-knee socks are better than pants anyway. When I wear pants I do not feel cute. At all.

19. The writer who had the biggest impact on me in the 1980s is Mary Daly.

20. I love doing things like going to a ridiculous boy band concert (The Backstreet Boys) or a county fair, a cat show, or a monster truck rally. Actually I�ve never convinced anyone to go to a monster truck rally with me, but I�ve seen some good robot wars.

21. Something to love and hate about San Francisco is that it just isn�t at all strange to go to a party and see fire dancers or people with fully red-painted faces and devil horns, no matter what time of year, or day. If you�re from San Francisco, you have to have already taken a position, yay or nay, on Burning Man (and also: the Grateful Dead). I choose nay on both counts. But I appreciate some of the creativity that the Burning Man contingent brings to San Francisco. Like parties where there are fun rides powered by bike pedaling. And random shadow puppet performances of Homer�s Odyssey at a bar.

22. I love Pepsi. I really, really really love Pepsi Cola. And things made out of cake. And chocolate. And a fine bourbon. But mostly I love Pepsi Cola. And I really appreciate Mexican Pepsi, because it is made with real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup.

23. Teaching is one of those jobs where, when you have a good teaching day, there are few highs like it. But when you have a bad teaching day, not only does it suck, but you feel like you�ve actively made the world a worse place. I don�t have those bad days very often, but they are unavoidable given the unpredictability of gathering diverse persons into a room together and then talking about ideas.

24. Of course I plan on writing some academic books. But I also want to write some general audience books.

25. I really like writing, and feel lucky that it is a big part of what I do for a �living.� But at the same time, it is a hard way to live. It seems like self-loathing just is built into a life based around a drive to express views and truths. On the one hand this is because any good thinker will know that she never sees the full picture. The other hand is too aware that expressing yourself is a form of exposure to the world� and the world is not always kind. But exposure is frightening not only because of the potential hostility of others, but because putting yourself out there saddles you with an ethical responsibility not to waste people�s time, be an idiot, or write something that makes the world worse instead of better. (see #23). And also: you will inevitably change your mind about some things, probably before the book even makes it to the stores. I took up the practice of keeping a webdiary because (I hate the word blog and) I hoped it would keep me in touch with a form of writing I enjoy, and give me a space where I�m not constrained by the rules of academic writing or the rules of writing for magazines. It mostly succeeds, as a practice.

5:12 p.m. - February 05, 2009
Fifi - 2009-02-05 22:45:55
That was fantastic! I agree with so much of it! Especially the horror films. And how just if I don't like them doesn't mean that anyone else can't. That applies to so much./Fifi
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