is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.
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Twilight
You know that I tend to wear dresses or skirts instead of jeans or, ugh, slacks. I just feel better that way. But I live in a cold climate. And I hate tights. So I also wear a lot of over-the-knee socks. I love over-the-knee socks, especially the ones that stay up without being too tight. I have found a number of good brands in this respect: Hue, American Apparel, and Urban Outifitters. But this, today, is not about socks. It's about aging, and the effect of socks.
Yesterday I went to get my bone density measured. Apparently some of my anomalous hormone conditions make it more likely that I could develop osteoporosis, and it's time to check to see if that's happening, as I approach old-ladyhood. So I'm at the Mt. Sinai "bone densitometry" lab (and doesn't "densitometry" sound like a made-up word, or a word Don King would say, referring to the measure of something's profoundness?), and a fast-talking lady calls me in, leads me to a room, and tells me, with so much speed that it is awe-inspiring, that I should remove everything except my panties, tights, boots and jewelry, put on the robe, fasten it in the back, and then let her know to come lock up my things. I had to ask her to repeat the list of things I should leave on because it had all happened way too quickly. (Step one in being an old lady: unable to keep up with what the youngsters are going on about.)
And that is how I came be "ready" for my "bone densitometry" test, prancing awkwardly around a medical facility in big blue knee-high suede boots, black over-the-knee socks topped with green and blue tube sock style stripes, (panties, jewelry), and a medical robe. At that moment I kind of wished I was wearing tights, because it would seem less, well, ridiculous. The socks and boots and gown made me feel like a cougar trying to get sexy with the medical attendants. While I got my old-lady bone density measured. Ha! Ugh.
Thing is, earlier that day I was getting ready to leave the house in jeans. It is mighty cold in New York right now. But I was also in a really low mood, so I decided I should change into a dress, since jeans were only going to make the day worse, even if they kept my knees warmer. It was, overall, the right decision. It made the day a little better, to have a good outfit on.
Speaking of being an old lady, I've been slowly reading my way through the Twilight book series (so far there are four books about vampire-human romance interspersed with werewolf friendship and a struggle over the ethics of turning a human into a vampire) and one of the funnier themes is how the human girl main character wants her vampire BF to change her in to a VMPR, STAT because he's forever 17 and she's already on her way to 19. To her, 20 would be the end of the world. She is obsessed with how terrible it would be to grow old.
It's partly a function of her teenage insecurity--her BF is gorgeous and she feels plain, and thinks that her plainness is what will fail to keep her man at her side. She thinks this no matter what he says to her. She does not yet know that it is more likely that what will lose him is her needy-need to be reassured. She'll figure it out.
I remember not believing anyone could possibly like me. (In fact that doesn't ever go away totally, from my point of view, though it does turn into something much more reasonable and sane, with age, again, from my point of view.) But I don't remember thinking, as a teenager, that turning 20 would be the end of the world. In fact I remember thinking it was going to be great to live on my own, outside the parental home. I would occasionally end up at parties with college-aged people, and it seemed like their lives were infinitely better than mine (in part because the college-aged people I encountered were artsy and cool, living in warehouses and such). Getting older, being 25, that seemed just fine. 40 was unimaginable at that point, but 20, 25, those seemed pretty cool to me. (I should mention that none of the "ethical" vampires--yes, there are good and bad vampires--in the story are persuaded by the teenage human girl's age-denying hysteria. They all wish they were plain old humans with possibilities of growth and change.)
Anyway, don't get me wrong and think that I'm recommending that you read this series. It is not well written and even the interesting themes are not developed in a particularly smart or compelling way. So why would I read them? Remember that I also still love to read old Nancy Drew novels when I'm stressed out or ill. For you this niche might be filled by science fiction or the kind of thriller you buy at the grocery store, where the author's name is bigger than the title. The Twilight books do two things well, for me: distract me from other things I might spend too much time thinking about and recapture some of the desperate feelings of being a teenage girl. Of course, that second thing? I was not looking to recapture those feelings--my teen years were the least happy I've ever had, and I have no desire to return to them. But it is interesting to revisit them from this vantage point and in a fictional setting. In fact it might be helpful for me to do so, as I still have a bit too much resentment built up over my high school years. (Ask anyone who knows me.)
So, I'm not the intended audience of this series, and it is inevitable that the desperation of love, heartbreak and change plays differently for me than it does for a teen. I find it interesting, even nostalgic to be put through the live-or-die feelings of first love and first heartbreak and all that, and then the parts about strife with parents or conflict with teen-friends, being popular or unpopular, that's all like it happened to me in another universe, in another life. The description of Bella trying to get over heartbreak in the second book is long and wrenching enough to really get you back there (and it's not like heartbreak stops hurting when you're older--it's just that once you've lived through it once you already know that you are not actually going to die, that life is going to go on, and on). Oh, and the suspense portions of the novels are pretty good. But if you want me to recommend some truly good novels, just ask. These are not them.
In sum: I don't mind being a cougar in over-the-knee socks, prancing around the bone densitometry lab. I have a good life. Aging is part of what got me here. Sure, being old and older will have its challenges, which include losing people you love to death, or losing people you love when they decide their lives no longer fit with yours, losing your health, or your mobility, and so on. Those things happen. Aging is something in the face of which we are utterly passive. It happens. Like everything else human, what matters is what we do with it. It's too bad we live in a botox culture where the best way to age is cover the fact of aging. There's nothing wrong with wanting to look good. But, to turn to a totally different Twilight, Nietzsche's Twilight of the Idols, "Why is there so much denial and abnegation in your hearts? So little fate in your glances?" Nietzsche's all about being tough. But being tough means you have to accept what life truly is. Life, fate, is aging. Denying the fact of aging isn't "tough," it is delusion, weakness, wasted energy. Accept fate and you free yourself to use your powers for what is possible. That, my friends, is the will to power.
10:41 a.m. - February 26, 2009
js - 2009-02-26 17:24:38
Heh, my sister just sent me a link to a site about Twilight Cougars, older women who are admirers of Edward, the vampire protagonist of Twilight.
Allow me to stress that I do not find the male vampire protagonist all that attractive or compelling in the story. (17 forever? Ugh. Plus he's bossy and over-protective, and sometimes lies to his GF to "keep her safe.") Nor am I interested in dating younger men in general. Why? Allow me to answer with an anecdote which functions as parable of sorts: I will never forget how, when I was about 20, and working at a vintage clothing store, a co-worker of mine got pregnant and decided to have the baby. I asked her if she was going to marry her boyfriend, and she said, "No! Do you think I want TWO children?!"
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star - 2009-02-26 19:46:56
noticed you'd stumbled across somethings somehow, decided i'd check out who you were. one entry read, well written and informative. plus, a timely reminder about nietsche, maybe a lesson i missed the first time around.
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Sarah - 2009-02-27 12:08:29
So recommend some good novels, please, as I am in that Twilight boat along with you. Also, have you tried Sock Dreams? (For shopping, not reading.)
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