is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a family, a life, a universe of meaning

I have encountered people in the course of my life who think unmarried people are flaky or noncommittal or somehow less settled than married people. I'm sure that is true of a comparison drawn between some married and unmarried people. But I'm fairly sure, from personal experience, that being married or unmarried does not draw much of a determining line between you and your relative ability to cope with the world and other people in a sustainable fashion. But, yes, I am unmarried. But get this: rather than my shifty noncommittal-ness, what threatens the rock of civilization about my choices is that I am NOT shifty and noncommittal. I have made a family, a life, a universe of meaning out of nontraditional ties. This means that I am not represented by politics, largely. At least not yet.

Why am I not married? It is not because I have taken a principled stance against marriage. I think at the age of 20 I took a principled stance against marriage for young-feminist reasons. The arguments made against marriage from a feminist standpoint are still valid. But every marriage makes itself, and it is just as wrong for a feminist woman to tell another woman how to live as it is for a man to do it. And I think marriage is good for this reason: I like the idea of a publicly declared love, and a commitment made in the eyes of all your friends. Much of any relationship will always remain private, as it should. But I like the courage of the publicly declared love. And also the party with your friends.

Not every marriage is based on that. Lots of weddings happen because people think that's what you do when you grow up, or that's what you do to guarantee a future, or that's what you do to please your parents, or that's what you do to fill a hole in yourself. But marriage doesn't do any of those things (except, possibly, pleasing your parents).

Friends who have been married tell me that I underestimate the pressure put on married people by the assumptions of society, about what marriage is. I'm sure that is true. But I also think it is darkly hilarious that someone who has been married and then divorced thinks that a 42 year old woman who has never been married can't understand how powerful marriage is. It has a lot of power from the outside, too, people. It makes unmarried people feel like they have failed! Even people who know better, at times. The divorced person and the never married person have different perspectives on the same problem.

That doesn't mean there should be no marriage. My point is: every way of life requires that the person living it struggle to define it herself rather than just receiving the world's version of herself and undergoing it passively. EVERY WAY OF LIFE. We are all formed passively by many things==that-s how love is possible, as well as other less lovely things--but it is still up to us what we do with what we're handed. And let me add this: NO MATTER WHAT YOUR CHOICES, YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH BEING MISUNDERSTOOD BY THE WORLD. That is why building your friendships matters so much. They are a buffer against the world's ignorance of the precious particularity of the choices you have made.

I didn't grow up dreaming of weddings, envisioning dresses, or thinking I'd have babies. At least I don't have memories of having those dreams, though I remember witnessing other girls' wedding-fantasies (and even participated in a mock-wedding of my sister to a neighborhood boy once, heh). But I've sometimes wondered why no one has ever wanted to marry me. You know? A girl can't help it. I've had lots of guys I've dated marry the next person they date. That's the story of every 40-something unmarried woman. One guy in particular married the next person and then spent years asking me whether he had made a mistake. Me: "Dude. In what world is it my job to answer that?" I guess the fact that that is my response might offer clues into why I am Unmarried. It seems he loved me but couldn't put me in a wife category, and then he found a wife (and loved her. Let us not ignore that). I used to think, well, there's something about me that is un-marry-able. And that sometimes felt like it must be something sucky. But I think this un-marry-able thing may be my resistance to accepting what is expected. Marriage is expected. Therefore by the transitive property I don't accept marriage. However, math is hard, and that equation doesn't add up at all.

Postscript: Gus and I joked, as I waited to find out whether I would get the job at Haverford, about how maybe we should have gotten married, so people would know we are "serious." We are serious. It seems easy to accept marriage as more serious than other commitments. That's why people want gay marriage to be legal (there are other reasons, too). But let's be real for a second. People get married for stupid superficial reasons all the time, and then get divorced, while other people remain unmarried and together in love for years or lifetimes, and are treated the whole time as if their love is somehow less stable, trustworthy or valuable. There is so much about any form of settled thinking that is a crock of shit. That is my message of the day, ha. Remember that no matter where you are standing, you are immersed in a serious crock of shit and it takes serious effort and careful thought to resist getting dirtied by it.

Marriage is like a hammer. If you use it to build a house, or you use it to bash in someone's skull, either way, it's not the hammer's fault. From where I'm standing, what matters is not whether you are married or unmarried, but how you live and love.

11:21 a.m. - May 11, 2009
michael - 2009-05-14 20:34:33
I really enjoyed this entry; it touches on many of the things that your readers love about you, Jill.
-------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

the latest

older than the latest

random entry

get your own

write to me