is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.
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"timing is everything" trumps "throw your own party."
Today I seem to have taken a turn towards wallowing in depression about my birthday. It seems that, just as I've always said, if one wants one's birthday to be noticed, one really does have to throw one's own party. And yet, sometimes even that is not enough: what if no one is around to attend?! So apparently "timing is everything" trumps "throw your own party." It is a bad year for my birthday, timing-wise.
Of course, the wallowing is probably mostly a product of me being sick right now (terrible cold) and thus exhausted, and maybe even hungover from Cristina's fun party the other night (lots of dancing! plus the danger of her patented "bottomless pitcher of manhattans"). After all, alcohol is a depressant, and being sick is exhausting, and I still have work to do before the semester is over, and yet I am sick and tired... etc.
So what will probably happen is that I'll spend some time wallowing, and then I'll figure out what to do. I'm currently beginning to lean toward staying in Philly/Haverford on my own for my birthday. The New York thing has been too amazingly difficult to organize (no one will just say yes), and that makes me not want to make the effort it takes to get there and be there. I could stay here, take myself out for lunch, shop a little, and have a number of days in the house by myself. Maybe even do some art and craft projects that have NOTHING TO DO WITH WORK. That doesn't sound so bad.
So all I have to do is readjust my expectations to match that, and realize that it is one of the things I want, and then the rest of me will come around to it, and all will be well.
But I thought I would at least mark here in the diary-space the wallowing, in order to avoid being only the mom-side of my family (whose official motto is either "turn that frown upside down" or "if anything is wrong, just don't admit it").
There is nothing wrong with putting a positive spin on things. Because, let's face it, what we think is as often as not a self-fulfilling prophecy. (I'm not saying that if I think I'm rich I'm rich. That's crazy talk no matter how much you pay for it. I'm saying that if you think your birthday can only suck, that's probably all it can do, and if you think that there are lots of different ways it might not suck, then those different ways are more possible.) So there's nothing wrong with a positive spin.
But there is a problem if the positive spin is an endless attempt to pretend like the world is made only of chocolate pudding, when sometimes we all know that the world is made also of mean people and catshit. (The dad-side of my family will not leave that unmentioned, which is not to say that they are relentlessly negative. They just don't turn their frowns upside down without reason.)
It is not in any one person's power to rid the world of mean people or catshit. But it is in the power of individual people, especially people who love and are loved by other people, to spend more time in the world of cake, ice cream, good shoes and friends. Alone-time can partake of that world as well. Backing up a bit to look at the territory, I may even need that more than a party right now. Or at least it won't make me unhappy to have it for a space of time, even if it's a space of time that is usually reserved for parties.
Still... feel free to send me a note or a gift! The birthday is happening no matter who is or is not in town.
PS-- A really long hardworking school year has just ended. My new program got approved on Thursday. The work has paid off. But I'm hoping to spend the summer writing. So, who knows, maybe I'll be a better keeper of this blogdiary in coming months.
2:29 p.m. - May 16, 2010
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