is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.
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More progress.
More progress.
I sent out a party invite for a small cocktail gathering I'm having when I get back to San Francisco. As I did so, I realized that it is likely that everyone there except me will have a date. That made me sad, for a moment. Then I realized that it really doesn't matter. I'm glad that everyone has their dates. It's not other people's dating happiness but my own lack of dating possibility that might get me down this coming holiday season. (Yeah, I know, the thing about possibility is that one never knows when it is going to present itself. Blah.) People in general too often confuse those two things, thinking they are mad at people who are happy rather than just disappointed that they haven't met anyone or have lost someone. But what kind of terrible person is truly angry when his or her friends are happy? Ew! Anyway, I added this postscript to my party invite: "PS-- I am currently single. Again. I know you all have your dates lined up. I am happy that you have dates. But will you at least flirt with me, or bring someone who will?" Ha.
And then Jeff wrote back with this hilarious response:
At 8:17 AM -0800 11/10/04, jeff wrote:
"We'll see you there and, no, I am not offering up any of my "friends" for flirting. J."
Hahahahaha. Poor Jeff. He feels unnecessary responsibility for the Steve debacle. UNNECESSARY. But his assertion in the above email made me realize something, and so I wrote this back to him:
"ha. that is a hilarious response. but i have two things to say. 1) steve's failings won't make me think that everyone you know sucks. after all, you know ME. and caroleen! 2) perhaps surprisingly, i think i have no regrets. it was very very good to feel myself able to like someone, because it had been awhile since i had felt that way. so, yeah, he ended up being a big ass. i'm still glad it happened, up until that moment of ass-conversion. in other words, something ill-advised and short-lived is sometimes better than nothing at all, especially after a long time of nothing."
That reminded me that I wrote something like that not long before the fateful night on which Big Ass made his move and initiated the series of events that would lead to his being labeled The Dumper. Better to have some of those moments than nothing at all. I'm almost back to the point of knowing that that is true. Which isn't bad, as far as progress goes, as it's been only a month (a month tomorrow) since The Dumping. I guess I have benefited from the way time simultaneously moves very slowly and a bit rapidly here in Amherst. Of this we may be certain, however: none of this progress on my part excuses what he did or how he did it.
8:31 p.m. - November 10, 2004
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