is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.
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Disappointed Adult.
Recently I kinda broke up with someone I was kinda dating. It has to be phrased that way due to the levels of complexity to the �dating� and the �breaking up.� This is someone I�ve known forever (it seems) and who isn�t going anywhere at the same time that he won�t be around, and who can�t give me what I want while also giving me all that he can. And it isn�t even that he doesn�t love me. But that�s enough said.
I mention this for a few reasons. One, I would like to express how very tired I am of accumulating men who love or �like� me but for some reason find doing so problematic. Evany brilliantly observed that in recent years I have collected enough disappointing men that I could contemplate calling them together for a calendar shoot. Then she started composing songs about them for the musical version of my life. I�m sure it will be a huge success off-off-broadway, like the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode, and with just as many tears.
I don�t want to be misread about this, either, though. (By you, gentle reader. The men in question mostly don�t read this diary, and anyway I will have spoken to all of them enough that none of this would need to be said to them.) Men who are �disappointing� are not necessarily bad men. For instance, in at least three cases, possibly five, the reasons these men have had for finding �liking� me problematic were valid, or at least very real reasons. Still, a girl would like to be allowed to believe sometimes that she has the power to make a person happy, and that that power alone might make a difference against the backdrop of the rest of the problems of another person�s life. Is that not part of why living is joyous despite all the obstacles and bad things that get thrown at us as we age? Other people, and their crazy love? Sometimes you just have to leap. Because if you don�t, there you are�standing still. So, while I accept the realness of the problems that have kept many of my calendar men apart from me, I still question the judgment that judges as it does.
(Which is why the main mean thing that I stumbled into saying as I kinda broke up with the person I was kinda dating was: �It continually shocks me that no one seems to be able to live up to my expectations when they are SO VERY LOW!� Speaking of low, that was perhaps not my highest moment.)
(Just to be clear, my expectations are "low" not in that I don't think I deserve much, but in that I am not "high maintenance." I just want to be loved by an interesting fair-minded person who on some level does love life. I don't need that person to jump through hoops or buy diamonds or read my mind 24-7 or orbit around me.)
So, yesterday, in my �24 Hours With Gene� (an IM conversation that began at 12:41 am and ended at 12:42 am the next day), amongst discourses on pudding and wood flooring, Gene asked me how I was doing, given the recent quasi-heartbreak (quasi-heartbreak goes with kinda breaking up with someone you�ve kinda been dating). I said: �I feel like a disappointed adult.� And, given five days distance from the event, that is precisely how I feel. That in itself is a bit sad, because sometimes it is nice to allow yourself to be juvenile and solipsistic when you�ve had your hopes dashed and heart broken. This time I was only allowed to be tearful-sad for about three hours before I realized that things were just not as simple as my hurt-heart wanted to find them to be. It didn�t mean I felt better. It only meant that crying was more difficult.
So Gene asked what�s next. And I said: �I just want someone to like me who doesn�t find liking me problematic.� He laughed and then said he had recently vowed only to date people who actually are capable of relationships and want relationships. I said, �Me too.�
Then we both admitted that we had said the same thing �last time.�
Evany had a great way of making me feel better by reinterpreting my life�s story, as I asked her, sadly, why I always end up wanting people who may as well be mentally ill. She said, �You like people who are inspired.�
I do. But what I really like are people who are capable of loving other people in the present moment.
There is more to say, and perhaps more will be said. At this present moment I�m in a hotel room in Montreal, having just had a lovely three-hour dinner with four very smart and interesting men. Not for dating at all, and no one cared. That is a nice thing about being an adult.
12:06 a.m. - September 17, 2006
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