is the word 'diary' better than the word 'blog'? probably not.
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All Riled Up with Nowhere to Go.
This morning I woke up and realized it was time to start packing and making arrangements to move across the country. And so I couldn�t get out of bed. For hours. I really did let it drag on and on. Hans Blix (the cat, not the U.N. weapons inspector) became so enraged at the delay in his feeding schedule that he tried to bite my face. I put his harness on and he has been walking backwards or flopping over on his side ever since.
Why the alarm? Well, today, instead of concentrating on the good�the fact that I�ll be near east coast friends, am teaching courses I really want to teach, am making more money for less work than I would at Berkeley, will have interesting colleagues, and will probably be able to write a whole book while I�m gone�I was struck by the bad: I will be alone, adrift from most of the things that make my life meaningful. Evany Thomas will be very far away from me! So will Liz and Caroleen and Jeff and Sunny and Halliday and Mr. Perrone and Colleen and Natalie and all of my family units biological and friendrological. Sure I�ll be closer, geographically speaking, to Heidi and Marilyn and all the New Yorkers. And that is good! But I will be in Amherst, MA, where it is not possible to emerge from your home and be within walking distance of 50 restaurants and 100 bars and 8 movie theatres. And when I�ve worked all day preparing a lecture or writing something brilliant or polishing my manuscript, who will I have to invite up to see my etchings? I DON�T KNOW!
These and other thoughts cascaded through me as I clung to my bedsheets. I did finally get of bed at around 11:15. And I did some yoga. And I ate some lunch. At about 1:00 I could no longer deny it, the day had begun.
I have accomplished a few tasks. I called the veterinarian to see what kinds of documents and exams Hans Blix needs before he flies, like a fluffy eagle, into my future in Massachusetts, under the arm of my unsuspecting mother, some time in September. I paid my bills for this month, and changed all my billing addresses.
At 3pm I started drinking beer, because I am ALL RILED UP AND NOWHERE TO GO. There is a frantic nervous energy in me that needs to be calmed the fuck down. I�ve been trying to read Dworkin�s book Taking Rights Seriously so I can decide which parts my students will have to read, but I couldn�t sit still. So I took to the beer. It helped.
I desperately want to go to the movies. Bourne Supremacy anyone? Garden State?
By the way. WHY AM I MOVING FOR ONLY NINE MONTHS?! The effort and upheaval such a thing takes is insanity. I must be mad, mad I tell you. It�s a good job. With good pay and good extras. Plus I�ll have what might be the longest job title known to humanity: �Visiting Assistant Professor of Law, Jurisprudence and Social Thought.� It will be good for my career? I will get lots of work done? It is an exciting new adventure, a new chapter in the life of Jill S----?
I moved the �buy packing supplies� task to tomorrow�s to-do list.
After Beer #1, I returned to my default position on the move: it�s temporary. It will be fun, and I�ll be back. In fact, instead of shopping for packing supplies, I spent two hours comparing fares and buying airline tickets back for my various vacations and long weekends of the winter term. Believe me, it is NOT too soon to buy your Thanksgiving week tickets, my friends. The prices have gone up $100 since two days ago. So far I�ll be back in SF November 17-27 and December 16-January 20. And probably also October 7-12, though that isn�t for certain. As such, I will rarely go even a month without seeing my San Franciscans�. What, am I a baby or something? EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.
And I will see autumn! And New York! And Storm King! And Cape Cod! And Heidi and Marilyn! And Wendy, Bill, Yoktan, Trip, Greg, Linda, Marian, Eric, Patrick, Paul, Todd, Stephen, Jeremy, David, Ramsay, Kamran. Et cetera. And: I have a job as a Professor with LJST at Amherst College! Shut up! It will be OK, the conclusion reached circa the end of Beer #2.
It�s probably a good thing that I�m out of beer now.
5:05 p.m. - July 28, 2004
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